One year ago today. Everything I have learnt

Everything that I learnt in the most prominent year of my life.

January 22nd 2019 I bounded into the haematology consultant's room thinking that he was going to tell me that the lump on my chest was an inflamed bruise from lacrosse. Firstly, can we address how I quite literally didn't see the signs and by signs I mean the "Oncology and Haematology Department" signs that I walked past on the way to his office. On this day last year I was told I had cancer and oh what a year its been.

I thought I wouldn't be so cliché as to post this on New Years Day but for me this is my New Years Day. It's a new year embracing a new perspective of life with a library of learnt lessons behind me. However, being 20 and the youngest of 8 I know that I still have a lot to learn but this is a small post on everything that this year has taught me.

1. Taking each day as it comes and breaking worry down

The first lesson that I learnt last year was to take each day as it comes and not to worry about things you have absolutely no control of. The turmoil that I entered when I was told I had cancer was so dramatic that it made Blanche du Bois or Scarlett O'Hara look like tame level headed women in control of their emotions. Having your mortality questioned at 20 makes you angry and feel like you've been given a shit hand at life's draw. We never know what will happen in the future and distressing about it is a waste of energy. Yes, at the end of the day it's an emotion that to a certain extend we have no control of but if you indulge yourself in it you are feeding the fear fire. When I'm worried about something now I have to ask myself if I can do anything about it and if the answer is no then I make sure that I express my emotions to a mate maybe have a little weep and then try not to focus on it. You can't push your emotions to the side but you also can't run them a hot bath and make them a cup of tea encouraging them to stay.

2. When the going gets tough the tough get going

To use the phrase "getting on with it" during cancer completely diminishes the shit that you have to go through. When people say "Oh Sophia, she just sailed through cancer" makes me incredible angry. There is no 'sailing' through chemotherapy or operations or being told you might not have children or hair loss or watching all your mates get on with uni or fucking HAEMORRHOIDS. You may have seen on one of those cheesy 'just girly posts' on instagram that I am guilty of occasionally posting the quote "Just because she wears it well doesn't mean the load isn't heavy"and I have to say I completely agree. In 2019 I had to learn not to look around me but to put my blinkers on and focus on getting through the day. While I was ill I never worried about my hair loss I just thought about getting to chemo and then going to get extra haemorrhoid cream. I feel this can be reflected in life's big challenges like exams or deadlines at work. You have to just focus on what's at hand and drill on.

3. The value of friendship

There are certain family and friends who played an outstanding role throughout my illness and I will forever be grateful to them for their kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness. I definitely learnt what it is to be a good friend through their actions. I also learnt not to be hard on someone who quite simply wasn't there. There were times when I thought friends or family members showed a lack of care or interest and at first because I was hurt I gave them a hard time. However, I learnt that you don't know what they are going through and some people just aren't capable of it. They have other qualities and don't disregard them because being a carer isn't their strong point. I think it is important to let them know that they have hurt you and that it kinda sucked that they weren't there but that you're not going to cut them out. Forgiveness is so important not just for them but also for you. You don't need that weight on your shoulders and it'll just make you a kinder person.

4. Life is a beautiful mysterious thing and everything happens for a reason

On this day last year I thought my life was over but it was just changing path. I know the clichés are running strong through this blog but honestly I believe that everything happens for a reason now because the worst thing to happen to me has lead me to be sat here in the French Alps writing this blog on my ski season having the time of my life. We all have to go through bad shit in life and you have to remember that it's part of your story and no one wants to read a book about perfect Polly who had the perfect life where nothing bad happens. BOOOORING.

5. Appreciate

You have to appreciate everything you have from your friends to the last hair on your head because you never know if it is going to be ripped away from you. Although life is beautiful it can also be ruthless and you have to appreciate what you have now and stop looking at what you want. Importantly, appreciate your body and good health. Yes you have to live your life and have fun for your mental health but also look after yourself and take a night off every now and then. TREAT YOURSELF. Another major lesson I learnt throughout my illness was the importance of exercise for your mental and physical health.

So go tell your mates you love them and be thankful for everything you have. I think this is the key to positivity too. If you stop and look around at what and who you have you will come away feeling positive for what is to come too.

So there we are. I still have so much to learn but there are the main lessons I learnt in 2019. Here's to 2020 and I hope the future brings positivity and joy to all of you.